What. A. Game! It was offensive shootout in Minneapolis, Minnesota tonight, literally no defense was played and Tom Brady and Nick Foles combined to throw for 878 yards and 6 touchdowns. If you bet the under on this game which was 50 points you are probably putting your head through a wall. It was pure insanity up to the final minute but the Philadelphia fucking Eagles prevailed. I don’t know if Brady just can’t beat the NFC East teams in the big game or if he’s intimidated by quarterbacks that walk around with Resting Idiot Face. (I wanted to say retarded but I’m sure that would offend people…) Final score of the game was Philly 41 Patriots 33. But like any game we have winners and losers so let’s check them out
Winner – Nick Foles
A lot of people didn’t think Big Dick Nick could put together another game like he did against the Vikes but he strapped on his big boy boots and shit all over the Patriots defense and never took his foot off the gas. Some people are talking about a QB controversy in Philly now. The Eagles are sticking with Wentz, end of story. Lets not be stupid. Foles will go and lead the New York Jets to another solid 9-7 season so they can continue their mediocrity. Get paid Nicky Six. Get paid!
Loser – Matt Patricia
Nothing like accepting a head coaching job and you go out with the defense you run getting 41 points hung on you by a backup quarterback who’s never even sniffed a Super Bowl. Patricia could have went out a winner but his defense couldn’t stop Stephen Hawkings wheelchair from rolling uphill in a snowstorm. What a sorry ass showing honestly. Absolutely pathetic.
Winner – Tide Pods and Jurassic World
David Harbour aka Sheriff Hopper in Stranger Things killed the commercial game with his Tide Pod spots. Definitely a highlight during the commercials this year. Also the Jurassic World trailer blew my balls off, reattached them and then blew them off again. Dinosaurs are fucking back and in a big way. A T-Rex even made an appearance in a Jeep commercial. Buy some stock in dinosaurs while you can because they are most definitely on the up.
Loser – Which ever poor company got their commercial blacked out
I believe it was somewhere in the second quarter. The game cut to a commercial and every television in America went black for 20 seconds. I thought my cable box was messed up. But it flickered and cut to another commercial. Some poor shmuck owner of a company paid $300k for that TV spot for nothing to show up. He’s a double loser for that. Because now you have no commercial and your company lost a boat load of money and had nothing on the screen. Absolutely hilarious!
Winner- The city of Philadelphia
This city has been waiting for this day for quite sometime. People were praying to the god damn Rocky statue this week. Praying. To a statue. Of a fictional movie character. Those poor people. They’ve been close multiple times but this year they finally achieved that goal to bring the city a championship they deserve. The City of Brotherly Love will be up all night tonight. Drunks will fill the streets, babies will be made. Philly will prosper and hats off to them.
Losers – The City Of Philadelphia
Winners can also be losers. In this case the city of Philly are going to be big losers. They don’t know how to contain themselves. They are going to burn their city to the fucking ground tonight. I’ve already seen videos of people riding on top of ambulances. Awnings of hotels collapsing because 30 people are standing on top of them. People swan diving off buildings. Fires in the streets. Priuses flipped over in the streets. It’s absolute mayhem. Can’t really expect much from such a trash bag city but they will sure be “classy” in this moment of victory. Can’t wait to see what they throw at the mayor during the parade on Tuesday or what idiot runs up humps some politicians daughter while wearing a dog mask. I’m looking forward to the craziness but have fun living in dump while you burn your city to the floor.