What in the fucking fuck is going on? I check twitter yesterday and I see everyone tweeting about SNL funny guy and Staten Island native Pete Davidson and my woman crush with the wind pipes that can bring world peace Ariana Grande getting engaged. I mean it’s been one month. One. Single. Not two. Just one month. They have legit like 5 pictures together. I mean what a crazy turn of events here. I’m definitely heartbroken because I thought I had a shot. But Ariana Grande opted for a skinny funny douche from Staten Island and passed up on me, the skinny funny douche from Long Island. I’m not going to lie. I took my shot on instagram. Slid into the DMs. Which resulted in no response. I mean what kind of pop diva ignores an offer for a cheap dinner and a movie. Sorry I can’t take you out to a Gordon Ramsey restaurant in France Ariana…. My Stop and Shop salary doesn’t help fund those amenities at all.
But enough about me. What is going on in Mac Miller’s head? He was with Ariana for years, she breaks it off with him due to his drinking and drug use. She immediately dates Davidson a week later and now he put a ring on it. It’s safe to say Mac Miller is on suicide watch. Which I hope isn’t the case because I’m a fan. Hopefully this fuels his fire and he actually goes back to making good music again. It’s been like 4 years so he has to be due.
I’m still trying to wrap my head on this engagement. I mean one month? I’ve been with my girlfriend for 4 years. By this current rate I should have been married and have two kids by now. Maybe. Just maybe Ariana has a bun in the oven? Is it Pete’s? Maybe it’s Mac’s? Maybe she’s in panic mode and said yes because she’s still in the honeymoon stage of this young relationship. I mean nothing can go wrong with this. They have to know every single thing to know about each other at this point. A month is such a loooooooong time.
All I know is Pete Davidson has given hope to so many of us weird, awkward, somewhat funny guys from New York. Just goes to show if you can appear on SNL for a solid 6 minutes a show you can land a international pop star diva. So with Ariana now being off the market. I guess I no longer have a celebrity crush. I forgave her for dating Big Sean. I forgave her for licking donuts like a freak of nature. But this is unforgivable. She said yes to the guy who gets less air time than the musical performances that appear on Saturday Night Live. So I’m done with you Ariana. You have lost me. Forever.