It’s the holiday season, we are two weeks away from Christmas day. Now since I am originally from New York there is so much to do around this time. Go see the tree in Rockefeller Center. Probably the most basic and overrated thing you can do. I went to the actual lighting of the tree, probably 6 or 7 years ago and it was hands down.. the worst experience I’ve ever put myself through. Can’t see the performances, you’re caged into a pen basically like a fucking alpaca, it sucks. You can go see the Rockette’s at Radio City Music Hall. Never done that but if you’re into 16 women throwing high kicks for two hours this could be a huge thing for you. Ice skating in Central or Bryant Park. Overcrowded ice rink with people who can’t skate and a bunch of little kids zipping around. I go to watch people eat shit. That’s about it.
Christmas time in New York City in my mind means one thing and one thing only, SantaCon. SantaCon is more or less just an excuse to dress up as Santa Clause or any other Christmas type character, hell you can even go as Jewdolph The Blue Nose Reindeer. I legit played dreidel on the subway this guy for actual money, hammered drunk at 12:30 in the afternoon. Hell of a ride. Walked away up seven bucks too. So if you want it in dreidel, come find me. But you dress up and bar hop all over NYC. Typical it’s mostly in Manhattan.
SantaCon gets a bad reputation every year. I get it. People just don’t enjoy fun anymore. Suck it up for a day and sit inside your house and watch another rerun of Friends you losers. If you attend this event correctly you typically meet at the starting point, you donate money to a charity, usually $20 and from doing that you get entries into exclusive venues and drink specials at a couple of the bars included in the bar crawl.
Now I’ve done SantaCon twice in my life and all the negative things I’ve heard from people I have never once seen. Never seen someone puking in the streets or peeing on cars. Fighting in Times Square. None of it. If anything I’ve seen a bunch of strangers being friendly and enjoying the day with each other. The first time I attended SantaCon was back in 2013 with my very good friend Ray. I was a young 23-year-old buck looking for a thrilling new drinking experience. I bought a $25 Santa costume from Party City and spent about $30 on mini candy canes to hand out to kids on my journey. Before you crucify me for giving candy to children as an adult, I asked the parents if it was okay first. Kids wanted to take picture like I was a mall Santa on Broadway throughout the day. I took a picture with every kid who wanted one. I felt like a great person for once.
But let’s get to the drinking aspect. We started the day at Webster Hall at 8:30 AM. If you never been to Webster. It’s a three floor music venue that closed early this year. We started on the main floor and it was quiet. Random girl on stage reading Christmas books as I began drinking my $7 PBR. We started chatting it up with some random people and we made friends. Fast forward 30 minutes later… one of the guys we were talking to runs up to us and says “Basement. Now!” We didn’t even question it and followed him. We walked down the stairs to the basement and it was a legit rave at 9:30 in the god damn morning. Smoke machines, bubbles, a DJ. It was insanity. We stayed, we drank and eventually wanted to explore the rest of this phenomenon called SantaCon.
We went bar to bar, drink after drink. Eventually we stopped for food. That’s when I realized how drunk I was. I annihilated a burger and fries, immediately recovered and was ready to power through the day. We met Jewdolph on the Subway. Fun was had by all. He handed us sheet music and we sung his rendition of Rudolph. Electric stuff. We ended up at a dance party in a random park. Once again, Electric. Girls were swordfighting with plastic candy canes, Jewdolph stole the show once again. Next we boarded a train to Brooklyn. We were then invited to a warehouse party. I legit lost my mind at this place.
We waited outside for 35 minutes, not knowing what to expect. We guessed and we were way off. We walked in, giant inflatible Christmas decorations were scattered around, food trucks were parked inside, two different bands were playing. I was a drunken mess questioning what the hell was going on. Live entertainment arrived and there was topless girls swinging from curtains hanging from the ceiling. I was stunned. The night took a left turn when a man in a red morphsuit walked out with a candy cane dildp strapped to his groin. He was raised to the rafters on a chandieler where he swang from it thrusting his candy cane dick. I was yelling “What The Fuck! What The Fuck!” it was 7PM. I was drinking for almost 12 hours straight. I needed to get home, so I left. My mind couldn’t take much more.
My next SantaCon journey was two years ago. A lot calmer than the first. I drink mimosas on the LIRR with strangers. I guess that’s called adulting. I don’t know. We arrived in beautiful NYC. We went to a bar and it wasn’t as great as our first experience. I stopped at a food truck with free food. But there’s a catch. It was waffles with cookie butter spread on it. It was free if you ate crickets sprinkled on it. I asked for extra crickets. I’m all for free food and crickets are an excellent source of protein. We journeyed to a rooftop bar and we never left it. On the roof was two bars, heated igloos, cornhole and a beautiful view of the Empire State Building. I felt like P. Diddy or Puff Daddy or Diddy. Whatever name that fucking guy is going by these days. We ventured inside the building where they had a buffet of drunk food. Hot Dogs, sliders, french fries, chicken fingers. It was a 8 year olds feast. We drank. We danced. We left. It was a lot calmer than years past. Which is okay. No complaints here. I’m getting older, my liver hates me and I’m not even thirty yet. Two trips to SantaCon and not one negative thing to say about it. So for all the people who hate on it and despise people who participate in it. Fuck you.