An Open Letter To Former New York Knick Joakim Noah

Dear Joakim Noah,

I am writing you this letter on behalf of hundreds of thousands of Knicks fans. I’ll start off by letting you know this isn’t going to be a letter praising you and your efforts. It’s going to be the complete opposite. So buckle up, it’s going to be a bumpy ride Joakim.

You came to New York in the summer of 2016 on a ridiculous contract. 4 years $72 million. Absolutely ludicrous if you ask me. I hated the deal for multiple reasons:

1. I thought you were over the hill and a bum.

2. I’ve fucking hated your guts since your Florida days, I’ve never seen a face I’ve wanted to punch more in my life until I saw you scream after every single lay-up you made. I despised you. More than anything I’ve despised in my life.

3. I wished nothing but failure on your NBA career since you were drafted with your obnoxiously large footy bow tie. You looked like side-show Bob came to life right before my eyes.

After those 3 reasons, I grew to despise you more and more over the rest of 2016. You were a god damn disaster on the court and the 2017 season you only played 5 games which you didn’t even start before you shut it down for the year. What a sad…sad sack of shit you are buddy.

How pathetic is it that you made $17,765,000 a year. You played 5 games and scored 12 points last season before you officially shut it down. 12 fucking points man. You basically made $4.5 million a point. I don’t know if I should call you a genius or a fucking asshole… I’m going to go with fucking asshole. And it comes out earlier that you were “too lit” to play in New York. What kind of bullshit reason is that? You are a disgrace. You’ve done nothing but piss me off for over a decade and this is the icing on the cake. You blame your horrible tenure as a Knick on the nightlife in New York. JR Smith was probably playing half drunk and still point up 20 points a game. It may have taken him 30 shots but he did it.

They say “Once a Knick, Always a Knick” but for you, you don’t get that honor. I hope every time you come to MSG from now until you retire you get nothing but the shittiest reception. From your cab rides, to your dining experiences, to your club outings, to your pre game shoot around. I hope every item of food you receive in New York has been spit in. You are the worst. So from the bottom of my heart and many, many other Knicks fans. Fuck you, ugly clown looking asshole.

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