A trending topic in the United States the last few days has been World War 3. Why is that? The President ordered an airstrike in Baghdad early Friday which resulted in Qassem Soleimani, the head of Iran’s military force, being killed. Apparently this dad was a real piece of shit. You can google it, I really don’t want to get into the things he has done. But people are comparing his death to the death of Franz Ferdinand which resulted in the beginning of the first World War.
It’s scary stuff but as we do in America, we coped with this intense situation with memes and tweets on the internet. Literally 36 hours straight on Twitter you couldn’t scroll your timeline without seeing a meme about a potential World War 3 and how years of Call Of Duty has prepared us for a draft. Taunting Fortnite players by saying you can’t build in Iran when you’re on the battlefield. I was kind of over them by Saturday afternoon because it was basically the same recycled garbage over and over again.
But it had me thinking last night, what if we do really go to war? What if we forgo a military draft? What if I got drafted? I didn’t think of the seriousness of it but I thought hey that could make a funny blog. How would my high school sports career and my body almost turning 30 do out in the deserts of Iran during a war?
Let’s break down my physical stats: I am a generous 5’7″. Approximately 140 pounds. Pretty average I guess. I’m not going to look like The Rock running from trench to trench which could be a benefit for me. My knees are brittle and probably a couple years away from needing surgical repair. Not great. My eyesight is horrific. If I didn’t have glasses or contacts in, everything would just look like big blurry shapes. I’m pretty sure my vision alone would exclude me from actually being drafted if this really went down but who knows.
So we have bad eyes, bad knees, average height and weight. Not off to a great start. How is my marksmanship skills?
We can start off by saying I have never fired a real gun ever. I used to play paintball like 12 years ago. Accuracy not a strongpoint. Callouts were pretty good though. I was absolutely lethal with a rubber band gun in middle school. So lethal that it resulted in me getting after school detention for a week because I unloaded on a girl during lunch who had insanely bad sunburn. Probably my “finest kill” in my lifetime. I also never got my rubber band gun back from the principal. I want that shit back Mrs. Palmer!
Hand to hand combat could be a strong suit for me depending on the size of my opponent. I wrestled in high school and I was decent at best. Had some good moments, had some bad moments. But I can guarantee I takedown on a motherfucker that weighs no more than 195 pounds. After high school, I trained in Muay Thai and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu for about a year and a half. I can throw some punching combos and if I take someone’s back I’m slipping in a choke. Goodnight Iran.
If I had to be honest. If I was out on the battlefield, tanks rolling around, gunfire all over, I’ll give myself a 45% chance to live. I’d just fire wherever everyone else is shooting and just hope for the best. If war was being locked in an octagon or being played out on a wrestling mat, I’ll boost my survival odds up to 80-85%. Hand to hand combat is more my style. I’m just being honest here.
But who knows what’s going to amount from this weekend. This is just me having fun with this, so please don’t get your panties in a bunch and shout your political views at me because I honestly don’t give a shit. Just laugh for a few minutes and if you want to let me know how you think you would fare in a World War 3 atmosphere, just comment below or tweet at me or something. USA!